ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Princess The Princess On my relationship with my daughter� My daughter is 19� and is sure, with all of the certainty and independence I raised her to have, that she has it all under control� but she doesn�t� and she�s the only one who doesn�t see it� but she�s safe for the moment � protected from the consequences of her actions � but have I really done her any favors? I can�t stand the idea of allowing her to fall� but I lose all credibility if I don�t� two of my most central values are in conflict� and yet I already know the answer� I feel like I want something from my time with her, but I can�t quite put what it is into words. The word that automatically comes to mind is love� sometimes I think that�s it, but I really don�t �expect� that particular emotion from anyone� and yet I still want something� admiration? I don�t think that�s it either. What is it then? I don�t know� I think I�ll call it �connection.� Does that make any sense? Whatever label I put on it probably won�t do it justice, but I know exactly what it feels like� it is like the lightening of the storm outside my bedroom window. From me� to her... and back� just the way electricity explodes from the sky to earth and then bounces back into the heavens and the universe beyond� and (in my imagination) bridging the gap between space and time�a miracle of light and energy. Meanwhile, as the winter storm continues, I sit here alone � and, even worse, feeling it. Sometimes, I wonder how to describe my relationship with her (and, through the prism of my current mood, my past failed relationships). Depending on your view, it is either a never-ending round of �getting even� or is just simply nuts. Whatever the words are, it feels � from my side of the fence � like trying to refuse to jump after having every one of my buttons pushed� kind of an emotional form of S & M. At moments I want to lash out, and yet at others I think that by suffering the heartache she causes that I somehow prove I love her� or a least something that she alone (as my first-born child) represents in my life. - 2001-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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