ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Variations on a Theme... Variations on a Theme I�m back on my �A Beautiful Mind� kick. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that the movie version of Alicia (John�s wife) was actually one of his hallucinations. She was too amazing� (spoiler coming: so if you haven�t seen the movie quit reading this and go see it� immediately) At the point in the movie where John, after having told Alicia that he didn�t know if he would have actually hurt her during �the incident,� is sitting on their bed and all you can hear is the car doors close, the engine start, and the car drive away... I shed a couple of tears. But, when she walked back into the room and let him know that she was staying... I completely lost it� I �sup-supped� (what my ex used to call the kind of crying you do while you�re also breathing in a series of short, staccato breaths) like a little baby. I wonder why that kind of� of� loyalty (is that the right word ? � maybe commitment � I don�t know) means so much to me. As should be obvious from my last several entries, I�ve given this a considerable amount of thought lately and I still don�t really have an answer. I mean, I genuinely believe that I�ve actually been lucky in that regard� I didn�t have what you�d call a traditional family when I was a child, but there was never ever, not once any doubt in my mind that I was loved and cared for� I�ve never really had my heart broken� no one has (to the best of my knowledge anyway) ever �betrayed� me� and, even though I haven�t quite gotten the male/female relationship thing right yet, I still believe I will one day� So� other than your usually assortment of �I wish it�d turned out differentlys,� I feel pretty good about my life�s experiences to date� and am generally convinced that there�s a lot more people who�d like to trade places with me than there are the other way around � Yeah, alright� so what�s all the whining about? I think it�s just the realization that, for all my protestations, I � in the quiet morning hours before the alarm goes off � generally consider the fact that I�m damn near 40 years old and alone to be an indication that I�ve failed� that I�m not good enough� that I�m not someone that someone else would want to spend their life (or eternity) with� This isn�t something I think all the time (I mean, if I did I don�t think I�d function on a daily basis, do you?). But it is something that creeps into my consciousness from the shadow-filled corners of my mind that I don't like to look into� and, for some odd reason, it also seems to happen a lot when I�m wondering what to write about in my journal� Hmmmm� I think I need to think about that� - 2002-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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