ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm the Bastard... I�m the Bastard� As I�ve gotten older I�ve discovered an irrefutable truth. Oh sure, there are undoubtedly millions of truths I could have discovered, but the truth I�m referring to is this: just because it�s the right thing to do doesn�t mean that it won�t hurt� a lot. I suppose that, like most of us, I first came across this particular truth at an early age. But, as life�s experiences have accumulated, I�ve (unfortunately) had the opportunity to learn the nuances, the color, the subtle texture of it. I wish I hadn�t, but there you go. There really is a point in all of this, so let me back up a bit and see if I can�t get there in a fashion that makes at least a modicum of sense. Once upon a time� (edited for time) � and we fell in love. It was the complete and total opening of our inner-most hearts� the blending of souls� the stuff of myths and legends� but, for us at least, very, very real. I won�t speak for her here (though she has recently agreed with this), but it was the most completely joyous time of my entire life. We lived life with a passion that I hadn�t known existed� together� always together� one� But, as it sometimes does, the day-to-day grind of raising a family (we had 5 children in a yours-mine-ours sort of a deal, but they were always just �ours�), running a household, climbing ladders, coaching teams, pursuing hobbies exacts its toll over time. The highs were incredible� undeniable proof that our Heavenly Father is a loving God who wants His children to be happy, and He blesses them beyond their wildest dreams. And the lows were� were� insufferable� equally undeniable proof that there is an Adversary� who brings opposition in all things. It was as if I were in Heaven, but in the part of Heaven that had a minefield� Looking back I can see that there were signs. For example, whenever we�d had a particularly bad argument she sometimes couldn�t remember it� or when I�d call her in the middle of the day and she had a hard time talking because she was having a hard time �waking up.� Yep, I should have known the truth sooner. Maybe if I�d said or done something things could have been different� but I didn�t� and they weren�t... She�s an alcoholic. I�d say that she�s a �bad� alcoholic, but that�d just be redundant. I tried. I swear I did. I honestly loved her� But, since we�re being honest, I�ll also add that I made my own share of mistakes� probably more than I�m entitled to� and I suppose that�s why I stayed so long� some sort of emotional scoreboard that led me to believe that if I could (if I would) pay a high enough price for my own sins, that she�d see how much she meant to me� and that she�d do her part� and I think a large part of her wanted to� I really think it did� but she just couldn�t. and then she quit trying. So I�m the bastard that left� - 2002-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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