ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things Presidential... Things Presidential� I think I was about 19 or 20 before I figured out that I�d never be the President. It�s not that I ever really wanted to (in fact I remember telling people that I wanted to be the Speaker of the House � because that�s where the �real� power was), but � up until about that point in my life � I genuinely believed that anything was still possible� that I could achieve whatever I set my mind to� and that I had an entire lifetime to do it� I long ago (somewhere around 30) accepted the fact that I�d probably never accomplish anything noteworthy enough to be remembered by anyone not directly related to me� and even that not terribly likely� and I was (and am) okay with that� instead, my goal in this lifetime (and, hopefully, in the eternity thereafter) is to give my children the opportunity to stand on my shoulders so that they might achieve greater things than I ever could� and � just as, if not more, importantly � to instill in them the to desire, the sense of duty and obligation, to do the same for their children. It is too early to know how I�ve done (am doing) in that regard� though, with the children still relatively young (including my �ex� step-children, whom I love very much and still count as my own, their respective ages are 23, 22, 20, 19, and 10), I worry that I may have somehow inadvertently weakened their work ethic by having given them too many things too easily� but maybe I�m just seeing the echoes of youth and immaturity� I know my heart� and I am at peace with the fact that I have tried my best to live my life as an example for my children� it�s not that I�ve never made mistakes, because I�ve made (arguably more than) my fair share� it�s that, in my opinion, I�ve honestly tried to do the right thing for the right reason� �and do you know what I�ve got to show for it? Not a damned thing� There�s a very large part of me that would like to start living my life differently� to actually become the selfish bastard I�ve frequently been accused of being� but, to tell you the truth, I just don�t have the energy� or really even the heartfelt desire� I am who I am� and, despite resenting the fact that most people (women) I meet confuse kindness with weakness, I�m okay with that� Still, I think I need to find a way of dealing with the growing realization that, despite the grandiose plans and limitless optimism of my youth, my life has instead evolved into a maze of broken promises, former friendships, unfinished business, and good intentions that somehow never seem to materialize� - 2002-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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