ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 525,600 Minutes... 525,600 Minutes� �How do you measure a year in the life?� Rent� Today is my 40th birthday� I�m neither happy nor sad about it� I think the emotion that comes to mind is apprehension. You can�t tell it from reading my entry tonight, but I�m supposed to be in Utah� the trip I�ve been looking forward to since last June, but which, like so many of my other �good intentions,� has somehow not managed to materialize� though, like other of my life�s disappointments, I�ll get over� Do you want to know a secret? The biggest secret I have? The one thing that, until now, has only been known by my closest blood relatives and a very, very select few of my closest friends? In 1996 (April to be exact), I tried to kill myself� I came pretty close actually (us �type A�s� are funny that way)� missed it by �this� much. *holding my fingers very close together* And do you know what? When I came to in the hospital, the only emotion I felt was shame� I was utterly ashamed that everyone would know how weak I was� how people would laugh about my not being able to handle �life.� Screw �em! To quote Elton John, �I�m still standing.� Having survived that experience, I think I can say with as much (if not more) confidence as anyone else that I�ll never be there again� My life isn�t perfect� not by any stretch of the imagination� but it�s pretty damned good� and, for better or worse, I�m glad I�ve been able to experience the moments since then... and I hope I experience even more over the years to come. I�m 40 years old� I�m somewhat lonely� but, overall, I�m doing just fine thank you very much� Loneliness is not something that comes easily to me. Nor � I think � to people in general� but I know, as surely as I know my own name, that this will not last forever� in fact I�ve had two women in the last year (one in the last month) ask me to marry them� But, while I (sincerely) appreciate the gesture(s), I just couldn�t (and wouldn�t) do it� I don�t love either of them� and, while that may have caused (causes) me to occasionally doubt my capacity to love, my unhappiness at being alone was (is) not enough to make me � even for a moment � consider compromising my values� as much as I detest being alone, I detest the idea of being with the wrong person even more. I sometimes talk about the small, quiet hours of the morning. That tends to be when I do the most profound soul searching (and, incidentally, the most effective praying)� and here�s what I�ve noticed� every (and I do me every) time I go to Heavenly Father in earnest prayer about my finding an eternal companion He answers me� He lets me know that � once I have done all that I can to be worthy of my eternal companion � He will bless me with her� and I suppose that that�s all I have to say about that� - 2002-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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