ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Entry on Demand Entry on Demand One of the things that you should know about me is that there are very real reasons that I am divorced (and divorced, and divorced). However, another thing you should also know is that no part of any of those reasons include my not doing what I�m told. When a woman who has my attention tells me to do something, there is a pretty good chance that I�ll be working on it before she�s finished her sentence�which, I suppose, is one of the reasons that I got married (and married, and married) to begin with. So anyway� here you go� I�m having something of a crisis of faith lately. I first realized this a couple of weeks ago, and it has been increasingly on my mind as Easter has approached (or, if you prefer, as Pesach has begun). My crisis is not as deep as doubting that Heavenly Father exists. It is not even as deep as doubting my choice of church (I am not someone who believes that the particular church I choose to attend is the only �correct� church. Although I tend to hold my own beliefs fairly deeply, in at least this sense I am about as tolerant as anyone I�ve ever known). No, I think my crisis is the result of a breakdown in my being able to continue to believe that I will (in this lifetime) receive the blessings I�ve been told I would. I know that this sounds selfish (and perhaps there is at least some truth to that), but I honestly don�t mean it that way. I have made mistakes in my life� and I have paid a price for many (if not most) of them� that isn�t the point. And, I accept the fact that I can�t wait until after I receive the blessings that I want before I honor my Heavenly Father�that I should honor Him first for all that He has already done� but that isn�t the point either. My point is that He has outlasted me� that I have (at least temporarily) lost the will to continue to demonstrate my love for Him by making the sacrifices He has asked me to because I�ve lost my faith in the absolute certainty that He will bless me any more for it. Now, before I get flamed, let me explain� I �know� (in my head at least) that my relationship with Him is not one of tit-for-tat� and that, even if it were, I already owe Him far more than I will ever be able to repay� I really, really know that� it�s just that right now� right here and now� that is not how it feels. It feels very much like I am in this alone� and (whether justified or not) I feel like I�ve been let down� - 2002-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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