ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Barricades and Brickwalls Barricades and Brickwalls Yes, I know that �brick walls� is normally two words. But, in this case, it happens to be the title to the CD I�m listening to (which, I suppose, means that I should have underlined it� or italicized it� but I didn�t� so there). The title is rather appropriate this evening (and you just knew I was going to say that, didn�t you?). As seems to be all too usual lately, I�ve got a bit of an attitude today. After yesterday�s entry �someone� (and I won�t say who) suggested that I was demonstrating signs of middle age. And I just want to set the record straight� I went through all of that years ago� that�s how I ended up in law school� and (according to some) is why I now drive a convertible� nope� this is something different (at least that�s my story)� After having given this some thought� I�ve decided to put it out there� I want a Mrs. Philately� no, not the Mrs. Philately (she�s taken� and besides, what kind of a rodeo do you think I�m running here?). More precisely, I suppose, I want to believe that having a Mrs. Philately is not only possible, but inevitable� a promise from a kind and loving deity (and that�s what I was taught that He is) that will be fulfilled� and I just can�t seem to make myself believe that any more� I mean, I�m not saying that I don�t think it will ever happen� because it might� but, then again, it might not� and I�m not so sure that I want to sign up for that possibility. Here�s the thing� if you�ve been paying attention then you will understand that I'm not saying that I want to check out of the hotel (because I don�t)� but, then again, it is getting harder and harder to get my fat ass out of bed in the morning. And, if I knew that this were as good as it gets, then I might re-visit that particular decision (not because the �this� that is my life is so, so terribly bad, but because�having lived it�I can�t see doing it over and over for the next 40-50, or more, years). �Is this all there is?� Man, I hope not� otherwise I just don�t see the point. Nope� I need to believe that there�s more� and that I only have to hang on long enough to see it materialize� I (for the moment, at least) have the strength to handle that� but, assuming that it does happen, I now am of the opinion that it will be pure dumb luck� mere gratuitous chance� serendipity� � and not, I fear, the blessings of Heavenly Father� but I could be wrong� because, after all, it�s not like I have any sort of real insight into any of this. 9:05 p.m. - 2002-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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