ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inner Demons On my darkest inner views: Sometimes, in the quiet of very early morning, I am struck by the overwhelming power of a single thought. �I�m never going to be a much better person than I am at this moment.� The sadness of this observation stirs up within me a sense of tragedy so deep that I feel it with the force of Nature�s fury. I am ordinarily upbeat� but I occasionally lose my bearings (like the sensation of waking up in your own room at night, but not recognizing it)� in those moments I am overcome by doubt in the �me� that I am now, and the suspicion that it foretells something grim about the �me� yet to come. From this perspective, I see my life as several things� but the one that hurts the most is as a failure of spirit� the lack of desire to continue to pretend that I have any control over the outcome� and seeing my life as an institution of cause and effect in which my �will� can never, ever alter the unfortunate consequences�
I may have mentioned that I am proud of many of the things I�ve accomplished in my life (and I am)� but� in a weird way� that�s exactly the problem. My deepest �secret� is that it�s all been a big mistake� there isn�t any success� at least none that requires skill� what I know that the world doesn�t is that my every achievement has been dumb luck� the truth is that I feel more like some kind of ectoplasm � a blob� in which the only point of form is the fear of failure. And that fear is all the sense of direction I�ve ever had� it has never been �hope� or �expectation� that has driven me� I think of it as doing what I fear most because otherwise I�m paralyzed� but the compulsion is strong� sort of like Iccarus, the figure of myth, flying with his wings of wax toward the warmth of the sun... flying higher and higher for the moment� but only for the moment� - 2001-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||