ril's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sparkles Sparkles I have loved � truly and deeply loved � only three women in my lifetime� and I married two of them (the third, the most amazing woman I�ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, may be the theme of a future entry� but not today). The thing about it that I�ve been thinking a lot about lately is that I met them all a long time ago. I was 19 when I met my first wife� I was 21 when I met the one that got away (my wife and I were separated and living in different states at the time)� and I was 27 when I met my second wife. Each of these women were completely different from each other� they each had their very own sense about them� and yet I knew the moment I set eyes on them that I was hooked. There was a feeling that shook the foundations of my very soul� a feeling that never went away even after all we went through� Don�t get me wrong. I don�t particularly miss any of them (well, maybe expect the one that got away)� both of the former Mrs. Me�s and I still get along well together� and we consider ourselves to be close friends� but we really did divorce for a reason� and I haven�t forgotten it� The thing is that, in all the time since then, I�ve never felt that feeling about anyone else� and the reason it bothers me is because I always thought that �sparkly� feeling was what grew into the emotion I called �love.� Do you think we feel love differently as we get older? Is it hormonal in our youth and something else in adulthood? Or � and this is what I may be most afraid of � do we lose the ability to love as recklessly, as completely as we once did? I�ve been out on too many dates to count over the past several years. Many I never cared if I ever saw again, though I dated several of them more or less steadily for extended periods of time. And never, ever, not once did I ever have even the slightest glimmer of that �sparkly� feeling with any of them. Am I dating the wrong people? That would be the easy thing to say� but, if so, then where in the heck are the �right� ones? I�m beginning to worry that the problem is with me� that I�ve lost the ability to feel that way about anyone anymore� but I really am trying� My male friends think that I have some ideal in mind that no mortal person will ever be able to measure up to� my female friends think that I�m right to not want to settle, but that I just haven�t met the right person �for me� yet� which is fine� really. It�s not that I am in any kind of hurry to get married again� it�s more like I�d like to have some kind of confirmation that � should I happen to meet the right person � I�d be able to love them� There�s a part of me that thinks that I�m waaaay too over-analyzing this, and that � when its time � I�ll be just fine� but wouldn�t you think that I�d have least met someone I�d be at least a little bit interested in? How will I know until it happens� and what happens if it doesn�t? - 2001-12-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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